One of the Them

As I mentioned previously, it was amazing to be amongst so many heady names packed with credentials towards which I am still aspiring. Throughout the first day, Friday, I was encouraged through subtle looks and gentle smiles to alter my thinking a bit; it was as if they, the experienced practitioners and clout-laden intellectuals were, through slight gestures, inviting me to consider myself as one of them. During the early discussions, it was totally possible to psych myself into feeling like a peer in such a savvy crowd, but that sentiment faded along with the orange glow of the evening sky. I attended the evening dinner/reception prior to the scheduled dialogue between video artist Richard Fung and scholar Holly Willis, and felt out of place, green, naive, an intellectual runt amongst giants of the institution.

In the dim, cozy light of one of Scripps College’s nicer meeting rooms, a friend and I waded through heavy conversations spouting from the intelligentsia huddled in small knots of discussion around the room. At times the guests would look up from their disputes, grimace (what I assume was supposed to be a smile) and then fly back into debate. Just listening to the talks was enough to squash any silly ideas I had about trying to join the conversation, that is until I got the chance to interject the smallest of felicitations into a pre-dialogue chat between Fung and Willis. I’m pretty sure you could guess that I made an ass out of myself, and they of me. Talking to these people, so well established in their trades, all that I had to say rang out loud and clear just how callow and utterly puerile I am; if you had been there, I’m assure that you could have read “trite” in bold letters across my face.

Needless to say, they did not take much interest in me for the rest of the evening as my friend and I slunk away into the corner sulking over half-sipped glasses of wine. The line between me and them may have disappeared earlier in the day, but in those few awkward minutes, it was apparent that the line hadn’t actually gone anywhere.

Jeremiah Gregory

Oh well.